Knit 0 Bitch 10

You've got to give credit where credit's due. Ginny can knit. On Monday she couldn't. Now she can. Sort of. Very slowly. By Thursday - Knit 'n' Bitch Day - Ginny had knitted a whole 10 rows of double rib. It had taken superwoman effort but she'd done it. She could go to Knit 'n' Bitch with something to prove that she can indeed knit like any other real woman. Ginny trotted off to Bonnie's house with her knitting tucked into the top of her handbag, and a plate of homemade oatmeal biscuits.

Three hours later she was back. 'You'll never guess what!' were her first words to Clive.

She then launched into some of the most scurrilous gossip I'd ever heard. 'And did you know that Tony is shacked up with Lucretia?'

'What Lucretia from the pub?' Clive was incredulous.

'Yes the one with the pierced lip and blonde hair.'

'With Tony? But he's got to be in his 70s?'

'Yes but he owns half of Worcestershire and Lucretia wants to get her hands on it.

'And did you know,' Ginny continued breathlessly. 'That the vicar's wife has run off,' Ginny paused for maximum effect.

'With another woman!'

Clive was stunned. 'But they've got three children.'

'Yes but they're all grown up. Apparently Janet said she'd come to realise her life had been a sham. Della said she doesn't know whether she should keep inviting her for coffee anymore. Do lesbians do coffee mornings?'

And so it went on. Ginny filling Clive in on the comings and goings (mostly comings by the sound of it) of the residents of Aston Peverell and environs. I began to doze off. Then my ears pricked up:

'So that's the Bitch, how did the Knit go?' asked Clive.

'Oh Clive it was so embarrassing. When I got there they all had their knitting out and it was all fantastic. Bonnie's knitting a white christening gown for her grandchildren.'

'But she hasn't got any.'

'No but she wants to be ready when the time comes.'

'But her eldest is only 14, she might be waiting a while.'

'And Della is knitting herself a Rowan Fair Isle cardigan. It's the most complicated pattern I've ever seen and she was whizzing through it.

'Even Liz turned out to be a closet top knit. When I got my little effort out I'm sure I heard Bonnie snigger.'

Ginny looked downcast.

'Never mind love. Even if you can't knit you get top marks for bringing home some good Bitch.'